Anger: What Should I Do About It?

Today we had a discussion about anger and what to do about getting angry. It is often called "anger management" and as a follow up to my thoughts on "time management," I wonder if the reason so many people get angry is due to lack of time . . . hmm. . . ?

Here, I will discuss my strategies for responding to my own anger, not anger in others.

First, I have to recognize that anger is a part of the survival mechanism of all human beings, so we really can't avoid it. We also can't really manage it; what we can do is manage our reactions to it. Anger, as an emotion, varies in intensity from mild irritation to rage. How do we respond to these varying degrees?

Anger itself really is not the issue. Anger is an emotion we all have and we have to recognize that (in ourselves and others). Anger becomes a problem when it is demonstrated through hostility (an attitude of ill will synonymous with cynicism, mistrust and paranoia) or aggression (a set of behaviors such as throwing, kicking, spreading rumors or ignoring that are directed at injuring or punishing others). It is these behaviors that need to be avoided.

We may feel anger as a result of fear, hurt, apprehension, depression, guilt, embarrassment or many other emotions. These are just some examples. Some others are feeling displaced, frustration, revenge, tension and loss of composure. Knowing the feeling underneath that is driving the anger is the first real step towards making your anger work for you. Ask yourself,
"What is your anger trying to tell you?" Are you suffering from depression? Are you too stressed? Is your life out of balance? Answering these questions may help you discover the source of your anger.

There are three main ways of dealing with anger: expressing, suppressing and calming. Expressing anger is considered to be the healthiest way to manage anger. Calming helps your body restore equilibrium. Suppressing anger (not good!) can lead to: high blood pressure, insomnia, TMJ, headaches, and grinding your teeth. So what should I do?

There are two things I like to do with my anger. The first revolves around managing my personal reactions to anger and the second has to do with channelling the anger into productive behavior.

Regarding managing my anger, there are several techniques I employ:

• Breath deeply - taking a few deep breaths calms me and makes me feel stronger mentally and physically. Once I have taken a breath, I am able to look at the situation more logically.
• Count to ten - OK, I know. You have heard this one before. Why? Because it works. Stopping and counting to ten before you react or speak really works. Try it.
• Take a break - In an emotional situation, sometimes it is better (if possible) to leave the room, take a walk or change your environment. Then when you return to the situation, you will be more mentally prepared to solve it.
• Look for the best resolution - Guess what? Life is not fair. Sometimes we are placed in difficult situations. When angry about a situation, try to look for a positive angle. At least ask yourself, "Is how I am reacting or what I am saying going to help solve the problem?" If the answer is "no," try to find a more positive way to express your feelings.
• Coach yourself - When you take that deep breath say to yourself, "Relax, calm down, take it easy. Repeat it mentally (or aloud, if needed) until it starts to work.
• Use imagery - This is another one you have probably heard before. Visualize a calm and pleasant place when anger threatens to take control. Think of a song you like in your head. Just thinking about another topic than the one that brought on the heat can make a difference.
• Use cognitive restructuring - this is changing the way we think. Angry people may say things like “this is awful” or “it’s terrible.” Change these statements to “this is frustrating and it’s understandable that I’m upset but it’s not the end of the world and getting angry won’t fix it anyway.” Note, it is understandable that you are upset, so don't berate yourself for the natural emotion. Also, I find if I change words like “always” and “never” to "sometimes" (Change, for example, "You never complete your share of the work" to "I was disappointed that you did not complete this project"). This allows you to avoid placing blame.
• Exercise or stretch - doing non-strenuous exercise like yoga, or even taking my dogs for a walk helps me clear my head and manage my response to anger.

Once I have controlled my urge to jump up and down screaming, I can focus on channelling my anger to more positive results. This is done, often, by communicating assertively and not aggressively.

In order to do this effectively, I have to acknowledge my anger, accept that problems can be solved, try to look at the situation from the other person's perspective and hold a two-way conversation with the individual involved (if another person triggered my anger).

How do I hold that productive conversation? First, I need to listen before I talk. This is really a great communication skill in general. Second, I need to say what I mean (without malice). Finally, I have to choose constructive behaviors. That's right. My reaction to my anger is my choice, my responsibility. Some things to facilitate this constructive discussion include:

• Avoid shoulds - such as, “he should fill-in-the-blank". The only reasonable thing to fill in there is “read my mind." Most people can't read minds. Instead, I try to ask myself, "Did I clearly communicate what I wanted?"
• Try not to place blame - This thinking error goes like this “She MADE me feel this way- SHE did it to me."
• Avoid assumptions- Try not to assume a motive or misread a look, a glance or a silence. Instead, check it out directly by asking the person his/her meaning.
• Use "I" statements - This is another great communication strategy. What is the difference in the response you would get to saying, "I was disappointed that you did not get that work completed on time - what can we do to ensure it get done next time?" and "You are lazy and never get anything done on time"? Will the person react differently?

Are these strategies easy? Of course not. Worthwhile endeavors are rarely easy. I have taken a long time to learn these strategies and I am still working on them. That's fine. I am working on them. That's constructive.